Black in America: I Can’t Breathe

They say the blacker the berry,
The sweeter the juice.
But the Black experience in America
Makes that statement far from the truth.

Ain’t nothing sweet about loving a world
That resents you in return.
There’s nothing sweet about
Wondering if your son will make it back home.

I can’t sleep at night!
I toss and turn
Trying to understand why the past is still our present.
Why are we only “Free-ish”
When the souls of our ancestors
Are deeply woven into the fabric of this nation?

Their sweat has watered the sands you stand on;
Their tears helped wash away the pain
As they were beaten and families torn apart…
Our experience has not been the same!

I’ll never understand how you love our rhythm
but hate to hear our blues.
Well we’re tired of seeing our black men and women
Being slaughtered on the news!
Tired of innocent black lives
Being taken way too soon.
Tired of explaining to our children
Why you have to kill us to see that we all bleed maroon.

I can’t live!
I have to watch my back… My darkness is what you fear.
It’s because of my exterior that you’ve ruled me inferior
Remember, we didn’t ask to be here!

I can’t breathe
With America’s hate for me crushing down on my neck.
You’ll literally squeeze the breath out of my body
Because my existence to you is a threat.

Respect the badge for what?
Does that badge really have my back?
If you protect my people like you protect that flag
We wouldn’t even have to question that!

All men were created equal
We hold this to be clearly NOT true!
Blacks are disproportionately stopped, searched and brutalized.
We’ve always been second-class citizens to you.

The hate has been institutionalized, so we are still criminalized
Our only guilt: we are highly melanated!
Blackest coffee, toasted almonds dripping honey…
We are a taste that hasn’t been fully acquired yet.

An illusion of progress paints a portrait of freedom
But we’re only free inside of our own bubble.
When racial injustices pop and expose the disparities within
People get scared and try to run for cover.

I can’t breathe as my life fades to black
At the hands of those who promised to protect me.
Cries out to my mother goes ignored
Because my life to you was never worth the pleas.

So you have a right to remain silent…
Anything you say won’t erase the pain.
Let the protests begin because 400 years later
We still ain’t overcame!

Copyright © 2020 LaToya White. All Rights Reserved.

Vision 20/20

I woke up one morning
Vision more clearer than usual.
No obstructions, or sticky eye gunk
I can see as clearly as Stevie do.

Wonder what took so long
to see you weren’t worth shit?
My eyes were open wide shut
Because all the signs were there
but I still failed to see it.

I hate being blinded by love
Whatever that word means anyway…
Instead of adding value to my life
Your disruption took all the value away.

Imagine investing in someone so much
You compromise who you are.
Losing sight of all you stand for,
Just for them to fuck over your heart.

For way too long I had sight,
But I lacked clear vision.
The truth confronted me face-to-face
I just didn’t want to believe it.

You were a lying, manipulative…
King of Deceit.
Even kept a straight face
When I hit you with receipts.

I would pour into you
even when my vessel was empty.
Neglected my own needs by putting you first
just for you to in turn disrespect me.

Ate up all the lies you fed my soul…
Because my heart was hungry.
But now that reality is back in focus
I wasn’t starving… just lonely.

All you ever did was take from me…
You never did give.
Even took my kindness for granted
But that bitch Karma is real.

On the surface and to the naked eye
Your intentions appear to be pure.
But as each layer of you is exposed,
You’re about as real as faux fur.

Just as fog fills up the night sky,
Your presence clouded my judgement.
It’s crazy how niggas will look you dead in the face
And still swear they did nothing.

I would pray for perfect vision,
Now I see crystal clear.
I can see through you to the person inside of you
That you probably fear.

Too afraid to step up.
Too content to level up.
Refuse to be held accountable for your actions
Your whole thought process is fucked up.

So farewell to all the pain you caused
Come in Clarity and have a seat.
I’ve been waiting on you and you’re right on time
Truth hurts but I’m glad we get to meet.

Sis… look into the mirror
Sis please tell me what you see…
Sis reflected on all that she had lost and gained
She won by losing you,
Sis is me.

I am a phenomenal woman
Girl, wipe them tears and adjust your crown.
No more making you a priority in my life,
Or begging you to hold a girl down.

My new 2020 vision
Allows me to see straight into your heart.
Made me feel guilty for shit you’re actually guilty of
Manipulation is the devil’s art.

I thank God for opening my eyes
and exposing your soul.
Seems like you’re winning now
But it’s only a matter of time
before you reap what you sow.

Copyright © 2020 LaToya White. All Rights Reserved.

She is Sick and Tired…

She is sick and tired of attracting guys
who don’t understand her worth.
The kind who fill her heart up with empty lies
Because all they really want is to get up her skirt.

She is sick and tired of dealing with men
who expect her to be their mother.
Want her to cook, clean and buy him nice things
Just so that he can move on to another sucker.

She is sick and tired of men who claim to love her
As he undresses her with his eyes.
Guys who tell her what he thinks she wants to hear
So he can get in between her thighs.

She is sick and tired of meeting guys
Who have nothing to offer but hidden agendas.
They pretend to care just to win her trust
Then switch up faster than them lies could hit you.

She is sick and tired of the lying and cheating
Are most men really this full of games?
If you don’t want her, then just move around
Because the lies you tell are super lame.

She is sick and tired of you manipulative niggas
The kind who play mind games for a living.
Have her questioning herself, acting like you are the victim
Because you are a master at the art of deception.

She is sick and tired of accepting less than she deserves
Because they say her requirements are unreasonable.
Tryna give you unqualified niggas a chance
She lost faith in ever finding a real one.

Copyright © 2019 LaToya White. All Rights Reserved.

Abandoned

Abandoned…
Is how I felt growing up as a child.
Watching my single mother struggle
because I had no father around.

I would act like your absence didn’t hurt me that much
So that I didn’t make my mama feel bad.
But deep down I was torn and hated your guts…
Many nights I went to bed mad.

Angry that you gave up before even trying
I was upset for a very long time.
You were a dark shadowy figure in my imagination
Until I finally erased you out of my mind.

There are times when a girl just needs her daddy
I was not able to experience that though.
And as I write this poem, tears form in my eyes
But I will not allow them to flow.

You were man enough to make a baby,
Then was only man enough to leave.
You wasn’t man enough for responsibility.
So you were never man enough for me.

Toxic relationships filled your place in my life,
Seeking the love I never got from you.
Any man’s protection felt better than none at all,
I simply missed the father I never knew.

Thank you for not being a part of my life.
You showed me what’s it’s like to not be a man.
No amount of apologies will replace the void in my heart.
Why’d you leave? I will never understand.

But I am so glad I made it without you
Thanks to my Heavenly father above.
I am no longer depressed or confused by your absence
Because He surrounds me with His love.

No Text Back

Nigga must be homeless
because I told you to text me when you got home.
Got me worried about your dusty ass
As I’m staring at this phone.

I wrote you a heartfelt paragraph
Thinking that maybe you went straight to bed
But now I’m pissed the fuck off
Because 10 minutes ago you were active on Facebook but left me on read.

Although my intuition tells me otherwise
I trust most of what you say.
There’s no need for lies, we’re too old for games
But you test my intelligence everyday.

1… 2… 3… days pass by before I hear from you.
Nigga you wasn’t sleep, you must have been dead.
I’m glad to see that you are back to life
Now, it’s my turn to leave yo’ ass on read.

Keep that same energy when you need me
And I hit you with that no text back.
When you late night creeping I’ma pretend to be sleeping
We gone see how much you like that.

I know how closely you hold that phone when we’re together
So, save the excuses for your mama.
It’s clear that you ain’t ready for a good woman
Because you are so in love with drama.

What’s the lie today?
“I fell asleep” or is it “I forgot to press send”?
“Baby, you know I don’t get service in here”
“I never got the text…please send it again”

You didn’t text back but I got your message,
You were very loud and clear.
That no text back meant fuck my feelings
That’s why today love don’t live here.

What are you running from?

Everyone who knows me know that I am always on the go and that I have a very hard time staying in one place for too long. I can have absolutely nothing planned for the day and then all of a sudden I find myself making up things that I have to do. I enjoy being out and about…taking in the crisp smells of nature (don’t judge me)… driving while singing off key….and what’s wrong with a little retail therapy? When I am on the go, I am able to be free and don’t have to think too much about anything.

A friend asked me the other day, “Why can’t you just sit down? What is it that you are running from?” And of course my immediate response was, “I’m not running from anything” because the comment made me feel bad for being a busybody.

But I began questioning the validity of his statement when I later stumbled across a post on the ‘gram’ that read:

“Stop trying to avoid the pain. Feel it, confront it and then let it go! You will never be able to work it away, sleep it away, drink it away, or sex it away. It will never go away until you learn from it and heal from it.”

The post made me feel some type of way and had me telling myself that maybe I am running from something. But what is it? …Because if so, then I need to confront it so that I can begin the healing process.

If you were like me growing up, you talked about how you would have no worries if you ever became rich one day. But do you ever wonder why some people who seem to have everything going for themselves are not happy in their personal lives? Well, like the old saying goes, everything that glitters is not gold and sometimes people find themselves doing things to keep their mind off of their unhappiness. They overwork themselves, but all of the money in the world won’t buy them happiness. They overspend on the latest trends even though all of the clothes in the world won’t make them feel better about themselves. They engage in promiscuous activities knowing that sex is only temporary.

The truth is when I am alone with my thoughts, reality sinks in and all of the pain that I am feeling seems to come rushing in–consuming my mind all at once. Some people suffer from physical pain, and others deal with mental anguish. But what I seem to be running from is the pain that I feel when I look into the mirror and staring back at me is the cold hard truth: I am not where I want to be in life physically, spiritually or professionally. I avoid facing reality because it hurts. I shop and stay on the go to cover up the fact that I haven’t been true to myself. My truth is that sometimes I feel like a failure even though people around me feel like I have accomplished great things. I have been living up to other people’s expectations of me instead of my own. The truth is I’ve grown so content with mediocrity that anything that seems slightly challenging scares me and I stop before even get started.

Now that I have identified the source of my pain, it is time to confront it and make changes. I am making a promise to myself today to make excellence my norm! No more running from my fears or settling for being mediocre.

What are you running from in your life? Maybe you are running from happiness because you don’t feel like you deserve it. Maybe you are running from new opportunities because you are afraid of failing. Are you afraid to love again because every time you open up your heart you are left with deeply cut wounds?

If you find yourself constantly running in an attempt to avoid the pain, I am asking you to identify the issue immediately, confront it, and crush it so that you can begin to live your best life!

mytruth #pain #avoidingpain #overcomingpain #reality #blog #personalblog #brownbloggers #blackbloggers #busybody #truth #excellence #expectations #fear #mediocre #mental #physical #failure

Candy Liquor

I am your candy land
You are the candy licker
Spread my lips open wide,
Sip on some candy liquor.

Sweet smells so intoxicating
Every drip, drippity drop.
Keep sipping on my spirits
Top shelf, or on the rocks.

There are the kind that melt instantly
and trickle down with one touch.
Flavors explode on your tongue
So sweet you can’t get enough.

You’re “drunk in love” off my body
Proof that you’re under the influence of me.
Welcome to my candy shop
Where satisfaction is guaranteed.

Stimulate my mind and soul
Fulfill every craving.
Serve me cocktails on a silver platter,
Liquid courage…so no faking.

The world is your candy store,
filled with lots of treats.
Syrupy caramel, French vanilla,
Chocolate covered cherry sweets.

But your preferred flavor is mine
I’m the sweetest of all.
You’re addicted to me
Come taste my Candy Liquor.

Therapy is My Self Care

May is Mental Health Awareness Month and in support of those who deal with a mental health issue, or know someone who does, I am rocking this AWESOME T-shirt (designed by @StylesbyKourtney) to let you know that you are not alone in your battle.

There is a negative stigma, especially in the Black community, that is associated with the terms “mental health” and “mental illness.” We have conditioned ourselves into thinking that mental illness is supposed to look a certain way. In fact, some of us know that we are struggling with depression or anxiety at this very moment, but we have a problem with seeking help because we have convinced ourselves that counseling is for crazy people and, “I’m not crazy.”

We are very prideful people, so many of us have trouble seeking help from others period. We see it as a sign of weakness, and we think about what other people may say. Well, I am here to tell you that mental illness does not have a certain look and it is us “everyday looking people” who knows that the struggle with mental health issues are real. It takes STRENGTH to admit that you can’t do it on your own.

If you aren’t taking care of yourself both physically and mentally, there’s no way that you can effectively help others be great. We can’t pour from an empty cup and we need to stop trying to. (Read my post: When the Well Runs Dry)

Self care isn’t self-diagnosing and self-medicating. It’s not scrolling through the ‘gram comparing yourself to others. Self care is not drowning in a pool of your own tears shed from the depressing thoughts that you are afraid to admit you have.

Self-care is sprucing up your outer appearance so that you can feel better about yourself on the inside. So care is logging off of Facebook for the day to enjoy the sweet sounds of nature as you walk through the park. Self-care is seeking the help of a professional “when the rainbow is enuf.”

“Therapy is my self care.” Writing is my self-care. Reading is my self-care. Relaxing is my self-care. What is your self-care?

Thank you Kourtney for bringing awareness to such an important issue! If you are interested in purchasing this shirt or similar t-shirts in support of Mental Health Awareness Month, please visit @StylesbyKourtney on Facebook and Instagram.

Worth the Wait

I have been living that single life for oh so long
praying that one day God simply sends me the one.
A man
who has been handcrafted by the Master himself,
And not just any old measly one.


“…his heart beat is in sync to the rhythm of mine
When we connect, the world can feel our love flow.”

Every vein in his body is so intricately woven
from his head down to his toes.
And his heart beat is in sync to the rhythm of mine
When we connect, the world can feel our love flow.

He is strong enough to lead his family,
Yet gentle with his love.
I am the only woman who exists to him
To this one man, I am his world.

There are no questions or second guessing his intentions with me.
There are no stipulations attached to his heart.
He knows that cheating on me is actually cheating himself,
So cherishing me is his top priority
Yeah…That part!

He will love me when the ocean waters are at peace,
But hold me closer during winter storms.
After he has seen the best and worst versions of me,
He will choose both, because without me he’s torn.

For too long, I gave the wrong guys that “wifey treatment.”
I guess I thought that love could be taught.
Was always coming up with creative ways to please those niggas
But in their life, I was merely an afterthought.

Too many women try to make the wrong men fit
onto the perfect mural they’re painting…
Girl, trust me, being single is worth the wait.
Until God sends you that guy
who appreciates everything the others took for granted,
Take your own self out on that date.

© 2019 | @MsToyaMichelle

She is Sick & Tired…

She is sick and tired of attracting guys
who don’t understand her worth.
The kind who fill her heart up with empty lies
Because all they really want is to get up her skirt.

She is sick and tired of dealing with men
who expect her to be their mother.
Want her to cook, clean and buy him nice things
Just so that he can move on to another sucker.

She is sick and tired of men who claim to love her
As he undresses her with his eyes.
Guys who tell her what he thinks she wants to hear
So he can get in between her thighs.

She is sick and tired of meeting guys
Who have nothing to offer but hidden agendas.
They pretend to care just to win her trust
Then switch up faster than them lies could hit you.

She is sick and tired of the lying and cheating
Are most men really this full of games?
If you don’t want her, then just move around
Because the lies you tell are super lame.

She is sick and tired of you manipulative niggas
The kind who play mind games for a living.
Have her questioning herself, acting like you are the victim
Because you are a master at the art of deception.

She is sick and tired of accepting less than she deserves
Because they say her requirements are unreasonable.
Tryna give you unqualified niggas a chance
She lost faith in ever finding a real one.

© 2019 | @MsToyaMichelle

Why I Walk by Faith, and Not by Sight

I am not a Golden State Warriors fan, but I know that as a fan it sucks to hear the commentator say, ” Curry dribbles…Curry shoots…Curry scor…MISSES…very badly.”

Now, I don’t know about him being the best shooter on the planet, but I felt a soft spot in my heart for probably one of the best shooters in the history of the NBA, Steph Curry, when I recently learned that he suffers from Keratoconus. Curry has admitted to suffering from vision problems during his entire career, and squinting had become the norm for him. But it wasn’t until he fell into a recent shooting slump that he felt the need to get help. That is when he found out that he had been living with the disease for years. According to a Twitter post made by the Bleacher Report on April 3, 2019, “Steph Curry broke out of a recent sub-37% 3PT shooting slump by putting on contact lenses to fix eye issues he’s had his whole career.” So yes….that means he was breaking 3-point records and wasn’t even able to see the rim clearly.

For as long as I can remember, I have always had perfect vision. Whether an image was near or far, I had no problem seeing clearly. It wasn’t until one random day back in 2009 while walking the grounds of my former college, Texas A&M University, that I realized that I couldn’t make out the faces of people from afar without squinting. I would get really bad headaches, but would attribute it to the late nights I spent studying. It didn’t bother me too much because my overall vision was still pretty decent.

Upon graduating from college, I noticed a dramatic decline in my visual acuity which prompted me to seek the help of a professional. Literally, one day I was able to see, then the next moment I was in dire need of corrective lenses and no one seemed to be able to help me. Three optometrists later and three failed attempts at fitting me for a pair of glasses, I was finally referred to an ophthalmologist who diagnosed me with the progressive eye disease, Keratoconus. Keratoconus causes the cornea of a diseased eye to bulge out like a cone instead of being perfectly round. The cone-shaped cornea causes my vision to be very distorted. Oftentimes, my vision consists of halos and ghost images, and my prescription changes very frequently. Having poor vision was new to me so the struggle was very real in the first couple of years of the diagnoses. There were many days that I broke down into tears because I felt trapped inside of my own body. Imprisoned by eyes.

Because eye glasses are not able to correct the abnormally shaped cornea of a Keratoconus patient, I was eventually fitted for a pair of Rigid Gas Permeable (RGP) contact lenses back in 2011. The cost was a whopping $400 per pair! Aside from being pricey and occasionally getting stuck underneath my eyelids, these lenses were my only solution at the time.

Fast forward to the year 2017, I learned that the RGP lenses were not the best for my vision, and that they had caused scarring on my left cornea… further blurring my vision. I was finally placed in Scleral lenses that I have been wearing for 2 years now.

My vision isn’t 20/20, but I am so grateful to God that I have been able to obtain nearly perfect vision rather than none at all with the help of my sclerals. Although I didn’t understand why my vision had changed so suddenly, or why it was happening to me, I have always trusted God during the process. My natural eyes were deteriorating everyday, but my spiritual eyes remained on the lesson that God had for me. I walk by faith because Lord knows my sight would lead me in all sorts of wrong directions.

Consistency: The Difference between Success and Failure

Up until today, I have been consistently inconsistent. Why? Probably because I didn’t experience the kind of success that I wanted fast enough. Or maybe because I always seem to convince myself that I will fail before I even begin. I would start a project but never finish, and quit a work out plan after putting in 2 whole days of hard work. I have been putting off attending Grad school for at least 8 years now because–well…because of absolutely no reason at all. I guess it’s just easier to give up when things seem to be a tad bit too difficult.

I love Dewayne “The Rock” Johnson for several reasons. Lawd, have mercy…that is a fine piece of man! Okay but seriously…He’s known as the #BrahmaBull and People’s Champ to WWE fans, but today he is my champion because he couldn’t have said the following words any better: “Success isn’t always about greatness, It’s about consistency. Consistent hard work leads to success. Greatness will come.”

Everyone wasn’t born great and success doesn’t just happen because you’re just that good. It is a process and being consistent is a crucial part of the process. Think about a guy who pursues a woman. She is not going to fall head over heels for him simply because of his looks or his words. This guy has to prove his love for her by being consistent with having those same words match his daily actions.

It’s so easy to complain about how hard the task is instead of “just do[ing] it” in the words of #Nike. But let’s remember that if you really want to do something, you will find a way–and if not, you will find an excuse.

Consistence is the difference between success and failure. Therefore, I am challenging you as well as myself to quit stopping short of the finish line. Focus on being better tomorrow than you were today by working hard every day to stay the course. Be consistent in the gym…consistent at the hobby you picked up this year… Consistent in your relationship…consistent with your children. Consistency shows that we truly value that “thing” that we are working hard at each day, and the end result will be SUCCESS!

Soul Ties

Ladies, have you ever found yourself running back to that guy that you know is not good for you because you just can’t stay away from him? …Still clinging on to that relationship when you know deep down inside he doesn’t truly love you, but you just love the way he makes you feel. He probably outright mistreats you, but you deal with it anyways because you would rather have a piece of a man, than no man at all. Or maybe you don’t actually run back to him every time but instead, you scroll through your ex’s Instagram page as you try to convince yourself that you are “so glad you’re over him…”

I have been hearing a lot about soul ties lately, and I am here to tell you that those ties are definitely real. So, this week’s post is my little spiel on the topic.

For those of you who don’t know what a soul tie is, it stems from the idea that when two people engage in sexual intercourse, their souls unite and their flesh becomes one. In a healthy marriage, when the souls of the man and woman unite during sex, positive energies are transferred and it draws the two of them closer together. However, we all know that everyone who lays down to have sex is not married and positive energies are not always transferred during the act either. I am sure that you know someone who simply has sex for fun like it’s their favorite hobby. That person could care less about drawing closer to or building a connection with the other person.

Recently, the gospel singer, Erica Campbell, posted a meme to her Instagram page that read, “Condoms will not protect you from Spiritually Transmitted Demons” causing a lot of folks to look within themselves.

“Condoms will not protect you from Spiritually Transmitted Demons.”

I know when I initially read her post, I thought about how some of us are literally sleeping with the Devil. We are falling in love with lies…and are giving in to the lusts and desires of the flesh. We are connecting with men in the most intimate way possible by giving them the goodies without requiring them to commit to us. Sex is deeper than a simple physical act–it is also an emotional and spiritual act as well. Therefore, when she went on to say that
“connection without commitment is confusing to the heart,” I felt that deep down in my soul.

I can only speak from experience and tell you my own truth. My truth is that I have connected with a guy in the past on an intimate level without requiring him to commit to me. I would engage in casual sex here and there where the only goal was to please the flesh. What I didn’t know was that an emotional bond was being created whether I wanted it or not, and I found myself wanting more from the guy even though those weren’t the original rules. Instead of feeling a sense of satisfaction, I would often feel empty, sad, used and confused. But I still went back to him hoping that he would fall in love with me if I gave him more of me. I thought about him constantly and asked myself daily what could I do to make him love me like I wanted him to. An unhealthy soul tie had been formed and this is the cycle I repeated for many years.

“God is not the author of confusion, but of peace.” (1 Cor. 14:33) Even though I knew that the relationship wasn’t healthy, I could not turn off my feelings and separate myself from this guy. My feelings were telling me one thing, and my spirit was telling me something totally different. I definitely was not experiencing peace on the inside because I was not living in accordance to the will of God. Even though I knew better, I still chose to do my own thing.

Some of you are probably like me and didn’t even realize you had any unhealthy soul-ties until recently. Maybe you were left with that empty, confused feeling in certain relationships but you didn’t have a name to attach to it. Either way, it is important that these soul-ties are broken because they keep us from being able to move forward in life and in other relationships.

What are your thoughts on soul ties? Have you experienced any of your own that you struggled to get over?

When the Well Runs Dry

“Everyone is not your assignment. That’s why you’re drained.”

Have you ever tried pouring from an empty cup? I know it sounds like a silly question, but seriously…I know I have to raise both of my hands in response to that question because I am definitely guilty as charged. Like many of you, I have a habit of taking on other people’s issues as if they are my own. I am not one to sit around and simply talk about a problem all day and night. I have always been about allowing my actions to speak louder than my words. So when someone calls me with a problem, I am quick to jump into action and help them look for a solution. Oftentimes, I AM the solution.

Time, money, free labor and a whole bunch of other randomness that I know they wouldn’t dare ask of anyone else are just a few of the things that I am called upon to do for people. Now don’t get me wrong, I enjoy giving back to those who are less fortunate than I am. In fact, I remember a time (not that long ago) when I was down to my last…lacking the mental capacity and physical strength to go about each day…lacking adequate financial resources even with a full time job. So trust me, I know that the struggle is definitely real. I know that the roles can be easily reversed one day and that I could be the one in need, but I thank God for his favor. I thank Him for being a miracle worker and a provider.

I have always felt like I was doing the will of God by helping others. All of my close family and friends know that I will give them the clothes off of my back–even my last dime if they needed it. I help out of love…I give out of compassion; however, the problem occurs when the giving becomes an expectation or when people become dependent on me helping them. They know that they can count on me to be the “Yes” girl who saves the day every time they call…all because I am too afraid to say, “no” out of the fear of being a disappointment.

I recently stumbled across a quote that read:
“Sometimes you don’t even realize that you are actually drowning trying to be everyone else’s anchor.” I really hate to admit it, but this is how I have felt on several occasions. Because I give so much of my time and effort to others, there is nothing left for me at the end of the day. After being stretched out thin and in so many directions, I am out of energy, money and time and I have nothing to show for it. For almost 10 years I have allowed this to be my story…drowning deep in the depths of my own kindness.

It actually kind of hurts knowing that certain people only reach out to me when they need me for something. I know that it may seem like common sense to some, but it has been a lesson learned for me. I simply cannot pour from an empty cup–filling the lives of others when I am lacking myself. I can’t continue to drown myself because I am constantly putting all of my energy into saving everyone else. No more going broke because I am paying everyone’s bills. No more trying to be everything to everyone for the sake of their happiness. No more doing so much for others that I lose myself in their problems and lose sight of my own. Someone told me long ago that me attempting to play savior to everyone may very well be me blocking the lesson in their life that God is trying to teach them. Therefore, I must remind myself daily that everyone is not my assignment and somehow, someway they will be okay without me coming to the rescue all of the time.

I must learn to be selfish and take care of ME first. If not, then we will all drown.

(C) 2019, L. M. White (Shy Girl Speaks)

Living Out Loud

“Stop holding yourself back. If you aren’t happy, make a change.”

~ MJ Harris

Today I was told that my life isn’t exciting enough to blog about. My feelings were hurt momentarily, but I quickly reminded myself of the “why” behind my new journey into the world of blogging. No, my life isn’t peaches and cream and everyday is not an exciting one. But that doesn’t mean that I have nothing to contribute to the world. I don’t think the person meant to hurt my feelings but this is an example of what I have experienced my entire life. Negativity. A nonexistent support system. Isolation.

For far too long, I have let people tear me down with their words, both directly and indirectly. Their actions have made me feel like I was less than a person at times. Some people make me feel like I am straight up invisible to them and I find myself asking, “Am I really alive?” Instead of confronting people, I’ve learn to deal with my emotions silently…keeping everything in my head. I smile at people on a daily basis who I know don’t like me, and I L.O.L. (laugh out loud) to keep from crying because I am simply misunderstood.

The goal of my Shy Girl Speaks blog is to help free up some space in my mind by sharing my thoughts with the world. Instead of keeping everything on the inside, I am choosing today to begin “Living Out Loud!” In doing so, I am also learning to be a little more confident in who I am so that I can grow into the person that I was meant to be. This blog is for ME and for those of you out there who can relate to me.